First Time for Everything
by BaldiDaughterChevy
Summary: Jack doesn't feel like celebrating.


**I've been hatching this thought for awhile and I was gonna go one of about a thousand different ways with it. This is hopefully the first of at least a few chapters.**

 **It's kind of AU (maybe) Jack and Sam and Dean are all safe at the bunker after Lucifer is destroyed. Jack is fully human but Cas has his grace. Not sure what the timeline is exactly.**

 **I wrote it in a hurry so there's probably some mistakes in there. Sorry /**

 **Rated T for one curse word.**

 **Standard disclaimers apply.**

Jack can't seem to get out of bed. It's not that he's sick, he's never been sick anyway so he doubts he'd know what it felt like, but he can't seem to find the strength to move his arms and legs.

He watches the minutes change on the analog clock at his bedside and it fills him with dread. Time is a human construct and Jack always saw beyond it, but now...robbed of his grace and strength, he's more human than angel and he feels the passage of time like a weight on his shoulders. He feels that and about a million other human things that he never experienced before.

He's stiff from laying in one position for too long and he thinks he should readjust, stretch, refocus. But he doesn't. Just lays absolutely still and lets the vast emptiness fill and numb him.

His mouth feels slimy and sticky and he realizes this is why humans are always brushing their teeth and chewing gum, why Sam has a nightly ritual of mouthwash and flossing that takes 20 minutes and drives Dean crazy.

He's damp all over and his clothes stick to him and he guesses he must be sweating, thinks he needs a shower and breakfast and all these inane details that are required to maintain the human body, details he never had to think about before.

Sure, he was half human but the searing light of his angelic grace had kept him innocent of certain aspects of human upkeep. And now he's a bundle of needs and feelings that he can't keep track of and barely understands and it's way too much for him.

But that's not why he's numb this morning, that's not what's leaving him inert.

Even when Cas knocks on his door at 10 o clock and asks him if he's ok. He's seen Dean and Sam fake it enough to know the appropriate response is "I'm fine, just tired." So he throws the line at his unopened door and Cas goes away.

Nothing that's bothering him is what's really bothering him, if that makes sense. All these minor complaints are nothing compared to the looming thought that surfaced when he looked at his phone this morning and realized what day it is.

May 18th. His first birthday.

He hopes with every bit of himself that no one else realizes it. He doesn't know much about traditions but he knows that humans celebrate birthdays as a way of honoring their loved ones lives and the very last thing he feels like doing today is celebrating.

His birthday is not a day he's proud of, it's a black cloud that's been hanging over him for months, a memory of grief and fear. The day his mother died, the day he killed her.

So when Sam comes by at 11 with a knock and the same question as Cas, Jack gives the same answer and gets the same response. Again with Dean, an hour later but Dean sounds a little less willing to walk away and Jack can hear him arguing with Sam and Cas in hushed voices outside the door. He hears the words 'space' and 'listen' and 'whatever' and then the footsteps recede and he's back to staring blankly at the clock.

He drifts off for awhile and when he wakes up it's to the sound of his door being opened. He doesn't turn around until he feels the bed sink down beside him. It's Cas...of course.

He sits there in silence; wearing his trench coat and suit and tie like always even though it's gotta be at least 80 degrees outside and Jack's room is practically humid.

He turns his head after a minute and levels Jack with his piercing blue eyes.

"Do you trust me, Jack?" He asks.

It's an unexpected question. Jack would have thought he'd say, what's wrong? How are you? Even what the hell are you still doing in bed, you assbutt? Might have been more reasonable. He doesn't know how to respond exactly or what's gonna follow this question but he nods slightly.

Cas reaches over to touch Jack's forehead and Jack flinches back without meaning to.

Cas pauses "I thought you said you trusted me?"

It doesn't sound hurt or disappointed when Cas says it, it's just a statement, a dry reminder of his previous promise.

"I find it harder to trust these days." Jack mutters and the words are pregnant with meaning, the feeling of his father's betrayal still raw behind his eyes.

"I won't hurt you, Jack." It's simple enough, Cas doesn't mince words, but Jack feels the truth behind it, the honesty spoken by his real father, the one who mentored him and fanned his spark of goodness into a flame.

So he settles back against his headboard and lets Cas sit in front of him and rest two fingers on either side of his temple.

There's a piercing heat that radiates out from Cas and fills Jack's head, it's like his grace restored for a moment, like that tender part of him, lost to the devil, has been sewn back into place.

And then the vision takes over.

His mind is filled with a scene that he couldn't have imagined on his own.

It's a little, white house on a hill in the middle of a field. There's a bright kitchen and the windows are thrown wide open, sheer curtains streaming in the breeze. There's a huge bowl of lilacs in the center of the table and the light coming in is so pure and warm it's like a soft touch against his skin.

She's there. His mother. Stirring something in a big glass bowl. She's content and smiling and adding ingredients, flour, sugar, eggs, butter...Jack's there but he can't seem to move or speak or interact with her in any way so he just watches her, the vision of a perfect mother.

She whips the mixture up and pours it into two pans and puts it in the oven. After awhile a wonderful smell fills the kitchen and she takes the pans out and sets them in the open window above the sink to cool. She makes frosting in another bowl with heavy cream and butter and a little sugar, and beats it until it's fluffy and light.

She goes outside through the screen door and Jack follows her, whether physically or only in his mind, he's not sure, but he tracks behind her, out to a patch of berries that grow along the tree line behind the house.

She picks a handful of berries and bends down to pluck a few white and purple violets that grow in the grass.

She heads back to the house and sets the little treasures down on the counter. She gets out a spatula and frosts the now cooled cake with long, careful strokes, until it's smooth and gleaming white. She tops it with black raspberries and a bunch of violets right in the very center.

It shouldn't have taken Jack so long to realize what was going on but he's still not used to human traditions, so when it finally hits him that his mother, his beautiful mother, is baking him a birthday cake, he loses the ability to breath.

He wants to hug her, he wants to run into her arms and let her hold him the way he never got to be held, to feel the warmth and affection of having a mother but he can't move and she can't see him.

The vision flickers and he's back on his bed, Cas' fingers withdrawing from his temple.

"Cas...is that...d-did I see...what did I just see?" Jack can't seem to speak clearly or stop shaking and Cas puts a hand on his arm to steady him.

"That's your mom in heaven, Jack." He smiles, an unusual expression for the serious angel and pulls Jack into his arms when he starts to cry quietly.

"I know you miss her." Cas says softly "I just thought you might need to see how happy she is, and how happy the idea of you being alive makes her."

Jack sits back after a minute and Cas stands up. "If you feel like coming out later I think there might be a surprise waiting for you." Cas smiles again and leaves the room as quickly and quietly as he came.

Jack stays sitting for awhile after he walks out. Then he drags himself up, goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth, gets changed-goes about the business of being human.

~Not the end!

 **I intend to add a couple more chapters at least from Dean and Sam and maybe Mary's perspectives, just basically hilighting how each of them would help Jack get through his grief and celebrate his first birthday.**

 **Review if you liked it! I love love love hearing from you guys.**

 **P.S. I'm super excited right now because I did something I've wanted to do for a looong time...I signed up for GISH!!!! (Google it if you don't know about it because it's absolutely awesome) I don't have a team yet or anything but I'm just really excited to see what this leads to :) sorry, just had to share that with all of you.**


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